Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
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Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
BaD BoY!!
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?