Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
You Might Also Like
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.