@ChrisStokdyk

“PSST.”

It came from my waffles.

“PSST,” again.

“What?” I ask, furtively.

“You look really nice today.”

Complimentary Breakfast

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@_elvishpresley_

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

@KimmyMonte

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

@AmberTozer

If I’m ever being chased by a giraffe I’m gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what’s best for me

@UnimpressedWU

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

@FriendlyAssh0le

if you’re having a bad day, remember, there are people out there who have their ex’s name tattooed on themselves.

@Pro_Jones_

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

@John_Quaintance

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

@pro_worrier_

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.