Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
It came from my waffles.
“What?” I ask, furtively.
“You look really nice today.”
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*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
If I’m ever being chased by a giraffe I’m gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what’s best for me
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
if you’re having a bad day, remember, there are people out there who have their ex’s name tattooed on themselves.
EXCLUSIVE: Text of mysterious “second letter” to EU commissioners.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.