@ChrisStokdyk

“PSST.”

It came from my waffles.

“PSST,” again.

“What?” I ask, furtively.

“You look really nice today.”

Complimentary Breakfast

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@stevevsninjas

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

@infinitesimull

Please insert your card
Do not remove card
Do not remove card
Do not re–
REMOVE CARD NOW! REMOVE IT NOW! OH MY GOD ARE YOU CRAZY GET IT OU

@HepatitisAtoZ

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: What kind of cake for your birthday?

Wife: Just something with chocolate

[later, me in the kitchen melting chocolate over a crab cake]

@Pork_Chop_Hair

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

@amydillon

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

@pilau

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

@ScottLinnen

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.