@GianDoh

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

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@HousewifeOfHell

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

@sonictyrant

[my first poker game]

OPPONENT *checks cards, and does jazz hands*

ME: *muttering to myself* once i know your tell you’re history buddy

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

@Dpressedspartan

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

@fuzzlime

If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.

@bighandsmassuer

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

@Nocturnoc**to

If you steal my tweets I’ll just unfollow you cuz your tweets are terrible.

@TheRolo

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.