Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
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Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.