I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
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[my first poker game]
OPPONENT *checks cards, and does jazz hands*
ME: *muttering to myself* once i know your tell you’re history buddy
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
If you steal my tweets I’ll just unfollow you cuz your tweets are terrible.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes