Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
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This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.