Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
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The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Golf would be better with landmines.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.