Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
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Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Breaking news:
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.