Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
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Lmfao
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.