Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

Lmao

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

Candles never taste the way they smell

Ring = she’s married

Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.