Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
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trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
me irl
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
How wrong was this guy?
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.