Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

SF is the wild wild west man

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.

When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.