Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?

my brain: a hairdryer.

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.