Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”

-Costco.

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?