Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!

I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*