Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
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*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
the prophecy has been fulfilled
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.