Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

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I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..


This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.


How many DUIs does Tony Hawk have that he has to ride everywhere on a skateboard?


Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes


I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I’m impecunious.


Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.


[First Date]

Me: “So what do you like to do when you’re not working?”

Her: *Drifts in and out of consciousness*

Me: “Me too!”


Me: Siri, did you know millions of people misquote you on Twitter every day?

Siri: Tim, I want your polish sausage.


[walking home after date]

Date: it’s getting dark. it’s kinda scary. *winks* you’ll have to protect me

Me: oh don’t worry *i stomp my feet and the bottom of my shoes light up* i got you


Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

It’s simple meth.