Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
You Might Also Like
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho