Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
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The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
A small tragedy.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.