Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

*feels the wind in my toe hair

mariah carrie

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

Wonders if chickens do the funky people.

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.