Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
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Hey I worked for it too!
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A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
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The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.