Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
You Might Also Like
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]