Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
You Might Also Like
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.