Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
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Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
bought wrong eggs
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.