Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

What do you text your spouse?

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?

Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie