Psychiatrist showed me a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach made. Real sicko that one.
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Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I put the I in Insufferable.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?