Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

giddy up Office Depot

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.