Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hmmmmmmm….

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

I only say stupid things when I talk.

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.

Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!

Me: Well, can’t we send them this?

Parents: Go to your room.

Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

Okay I’ll bite. What’s this “football” everyone is talking about

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

this independent good boy don’t need no human

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.