Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

Somewhere in an alternate universe

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

Me when I try to be useful

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!

MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.