Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
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Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass