Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
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Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?