Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
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People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
