Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
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the answer was staring at me all along
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
The cashier just checked me out.
My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies