Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.