me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
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It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.