Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Intelligence is the new cleavage

From Facebook just now…

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom