Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”

If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention