Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

The most precious boy

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.

[grocery store]

CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident

ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”

CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…

ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

Damn what did I do next

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*