Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

☠️☠️☠️

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

who wore it better?

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.