Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…

Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?

CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

My whole life was a lie.

Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.