Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

The Assassin.

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

If I ignore life will it go away?

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

Care for your back

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50