Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?

Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!