Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
#NeverForget
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.