Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

[Home Depot]

Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.

Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?

Me: No. It worked great

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw