PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
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Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here