Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?

apparently this year was written by stephen king

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?