Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)

I’m literally crying

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

Just a friendly reminder!

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world

Ash: i’m a kid

Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you

Ash: that sounds dangerous

Oak: keep it caged in a ball

Ash: kinda harsh

Oak: catch’em all

Ash: you okay bro

Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.