Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
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Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
That’s what I call a flat tire
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
inside you are two wolves
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
