Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

Customer: We are never coming back!

Me: Promise?

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

I’d rather fork than spoon.

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

step 6: release the wall snake

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.