Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
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I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.