Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
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Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
lol
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Is….Is this an option?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.