Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
You Might Also Like
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
