Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
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Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.