Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

A family that plays together cheats.

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”