Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

Cat: *purr*

Me: Good morning!

Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*

Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!

Cat: *kneads me* *purr*

Me: Yes, I love you too!

Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.

LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.

JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15