Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?

One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.