Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

british sex workers really pound for pound

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

I put the hot in psychotic.

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.