Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!

Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist

SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.

PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?

SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

Honey I made you some hotdog water

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished

until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.