Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

This kid is going places

I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.

Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating