PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
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Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
Good morning, Twitter 😊
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck: