Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]

[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

I hate everything

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

necessity is the mother of invention

yeah 😭

These work great until they don’t.

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this