PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
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where the womens at?
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
This is not me but this is me
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
The photographer’s assistant
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.