Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.

That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.