psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
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Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal