Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

Saint West, the patron of selfies

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.

Me: home is where the heart is.

Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.