Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

A customer told me they were never coming back….

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

Oh, I bet you would be

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently

Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

I’m not stressed

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

Good morning

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

Bed should get ready for ME

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’

Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’

Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*