Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you

My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

me linking you to my twitter

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

Merry Christmas

All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.