Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

God has abandoned us.

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

#ProTip

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

If you know, you know 😂🚔

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.

*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

I’m giving up for Lent.