*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
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BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
The first matador
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.