Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

GM✌🏻

I’m sorry…what?

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

🥃

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

When you forget you’re at the restaurant.

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right