Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”

I might be drinking too much…

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”

movies are BACK

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no