Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
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Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?