Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side

me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.

if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…