Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

I love art.

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

“are you just going to lay in bed all day”

would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.