Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

me: can you empty the dishwasher please

9: what? What do you mean?

me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

U talkin 2 me?

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do