psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
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Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.