@huntigula

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

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@o__0Dev

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

@hazelmotes1

“I missed you so much!” I shout as I run past my wife’s open arms and jump into my bed.

@jessokfine

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

@murrman5

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

@Frankly_Drebin

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

@VerbsRProudest

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

@ItsAndyRyan

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage at the end that says ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

@weinerdog4life

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

@cuntyfruitbats

Here
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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.