psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
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When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
marvel comics have peaked
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?