Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
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As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
so weird how every mom was born today
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
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