Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My safe word is now just a dry cough.

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.