Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
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“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
here we go again
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”